I Just Can't
by EbonWings
Summary: The thoughts were said, the tears were shed, and the Kleenex thoroughly used. Now she had no more to do about him but remember and sigh. An added. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1: I Just Can't

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize isn't mine…. Except the plot of course   
  
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"You can't just walk out and leave!" She yells at him as he throws things into his trunk.

The man in front of her ignores her and continues to grab things off of a shelf and dump them in the trunk. His face and demeanor emotionless, while he mechanically maneuvers around the room clearing his presence. 

"You can't act like it never happened." she speaks while her voice breaks ever so slightly. She crosses her arms as she straightens her back and raises her chin. She will not let him see her like this. 

"I can and I will. I cannot bare it anymore," he said packing the last thing in his trunk, "I cannot take this life. I was supposed to be alone my whole life, you saved me from that a little while, but it came back, it always does. And each time, it comes back with a vengeance." He explained his back to her, one hand on the crate as he hunches over it. 

She took a tentative step forward. "It doesn't have to be this way… you don't have to leave. _Please…" She asks letting her defensive stand down. "There's no reason for you to be alone, no reason for both of us to be alone." she reasoned._

He laughs and turns around, his obsidian eyes glinting in the firelight. "I'm not saying that you have to be alone. Who am I to keep you from finding happiness? I am-"

"The one I want! The one I need!" she hastily cut him off. Taking a deep breath, she voices in a calmer tone, taking up the defensive stance once again, "I don't want another man. I don't want you to leave at all. I just want to be with _you." _

He sees her, like he always has, yet not the same. Here stands the one he's loved for years, yet she is more of a woman, more matured than he ever remembered. But he can't stay like this. She deserves better, not some bitter man. He must leave. He picks up the trunk and makes his was out.

Just as he passes her she grabs his arm and as a final request, still staring at the spot he'd just been, she says but one word. "Please…" she whispers as a tear falls down her face, unknown to her. 

He sees it fall and wishes to reach out and brush it away, tell her he'll never leave her, but he can't. He has to… even if it pains him to see her like this. "I'm sorry Hermione, I can't." 

Her arm falls limp to her side as he walks through the threshold of the room. As he walks along the long corridor he hates himself for the pain he sees in her at the moment. He turns back just to see her one last time, and there she is, exactly where she was before, yet now on her knees hunched over with her head in her hands crying silent tears of love lost. The only distinguishable word was "Severus…" Oh how he wished he could go back but he can't. He wishes he can go back and soothe away her tears and love her like there was no tomorrow, but he can't, he just… can't…

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A/N: I know this story is kind of sad (but most of mine are if not all of them are) and I know I haven't written in a long time, but I was on the computer and the idea for this little ff just came into my head and I had to write it out. And I _really think I might make this into a multi-chapter ff but not right now (blame that on school, midterms, and being forgetful :-]). But I just had a thing with Severus leaving and I couldn't make up a good reason for him doing so, so I hope this works out. _

Love to all.    **/_-EbonWings-_\**


	2. Chapter 2: Can't blame me for trying

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize isn't mine…. Except the plot of course   
  
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He turns back around, his back to her, reluctant to see the one he loves crying because of him. "She'll thank me later, even if she doesn't realize it now." As he walks down the dark, empty corridor, he hears her sobs, still echoing off the barren walls. _"She'll thank me later," becoming his mantra._

With his heart knowing that he cannot be within the same walls as her after what he has done, or he just might take it all back, he walks the long, winding and steep path to the headmaster's office to give in his resignation. 

As he reaches the stone gargoyle, it starts to revolve to reveal the headmaster declining the staircase. As they make eye contact, Severus notices that he doesn't have his usual twinkle in his eyes, nor does he have the face of a 165 year old man with a 25 year old spirit, rather he looks like all his years have caught up with him. 

"Ah, Severus, to what do I owe this visit?" Albus asks, although Severus can see he already knows. "You know very damn well why I am here." He spits. Taking a collective breath he tries again, "Here is my resignation and I hope you can find a suitable replacement by the time term starts." He hands him the roll of parchment officially stating that he has resigned. Dumbledore takes it with a sigh and asks him to rethink his decision. "With all due respect Headmaster, I would not have given it to you without thinking it over multiple times." He says cool and detached. 

"Why, Severus? Why would you want to leave? Were you not happy?" Albus asks. Severus knows quite well that he doesn't mean the teaching position. "Headmaster, I cannot stay. Now is that all, because I must leave." He states coldly, hoping his inner turmoil does not show within his features. 

"Severus," Albus warns, "I know when you are trying to make yourself less vulnerable. You act prude, stuck up, and too formal for my liking," Albus smiles as Severus smirks at that. "Now please tell me why you would want to leave her." 

He lets down the façade and plainly asks, "Albus, let me ask you, when was the last time you saw me happy? When was the last time I was this complete as a person?" A look of comprehension shows on the headmasters face. "Now, if you'll excuse me I will be in Hogsmead until I can find appropriate arrangements." He takes his trunk and starts walking toward the Great Hall to leave the place he's called home for over 35 years. 

"Severus!" Dumbledore calls. "Why go to Hogsmead? We have ample space here at the school." "Now Albus… I don't think that will be a wise idea…" Severus starts tentatively. "Relax dear boy. We can have you situated in one of the unused guest quarters and your meals can be delivered to your rooms. No need to go out of your quarters, and if you do wish to leave, I shall—let's say—place Miss Granger's attention far from that area of the castle for the day." Albus assures him.

They start walking down the corridor when Severus says, "Thank you sir, I appreciate that. Of course I could just cast a disillusionment charm on myself." He smirks. Albus laughs at that, "Yes I believe you could my boy. Now why don't we get you situated on the 3rd floor corridor on the right hand side? I believe that should be enough space for our recently departed Defense against the Dark Arts Master. Now, if you would… I don't know… wish to reclaim the position, it will be yours to claim before August 30th." He hints with a hopeful glance. Severus stops and turns to face his surrogate father, "Thank you Albus, but I sincerely doubt I will be doing such a thing." Albus pats him on the shoulder, "Can't blame me for trying my boy," they start walking when he says under his breath, "can't blame me for trying."

  
  
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A/N: Yes I know my chapters are a bit short, but you know what, TOO BAD! =P.  Respond s'il vous plaît. 


	3. Chapter 3: Walking and Dreaming

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize isn't mine…. Except the plot, that's mine. =)

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Two weeks later would find Hermione in her study working on her lesson plans vigorously. If she could get this done now, then she would have six weeks of uninterrupted summer left.   
  


A sigh escaped her lips as she finished the first quarter worth of plans. It wasn't a sigh of relief at having it finished, nor was it a sigh of having a free break from now on, it was a sigh of… well she didn't know what exactly… completion, sadness, boredom, or maybe all of the above. All she knew is that now with all things out of the way, she had nothing to take her mind off of more _personal matters. Namely the issue of Severus. It had been two weeks since he said _"I cannot bare it anymore… I cannot take this life."_ What had he meant by that? Can't bear what anymore? What life was it that he could not take?   
  
She sighed again, this time pushing her chair back and standing up. __A stroll around the grounds should help clear my mind, she thought. As she donned her navy coat, put her curly, unruly hair in a pony tale, and left to venture outside. _

Wandering the corridors calmed her frayed nerves a bit, the issue of Severus still on her mind. Lightly running her fingers over the cold stone wall had left a numbing sensation in her hand that she wanted to take over her mind. The bright light and soft crunch of grass told her she was outside.   
  
She wandered to the paths around the castle, stopping here and there to enjoy the beauty and, corny as it may sound, the magic that is Hogwarts. As she passed the rose bushes that she remembered from her fourth year Yule Ball, the one that housed that couple she passed while walking out for fresh air, she remembered that it was that spot that she had first kissed Severus not but two years ago. _NO!_ Her mind yelled at her. _Stop thinking about him! He made his thoughts quite clear when he left you crying on the floor of what you two had called home for a year._ She turned around and continued her walk.   
  
It seemed not two minutes, when in actuality it was about half an hour, when she found herself by the lake. Watching it for a minute, she decided that the calmness of the lake was setting her mind free from thought, so she set down her cloak along the roots of a near by tree, smoothed out the blue dress she wore beneath the cloak, and sat down resting her back on the tree.   
  
In no time at all she was lulled to sleep by the smell and sound of the grass and trees swaying slightly, the lake rippling, and the birds chirping.    
  
Her dreams, however, were unlike her surroundings. Since that fateful night two weeks ago, she has been plagued with dreams; replaying that conversation; of Severus with a new life; of her dying with his name on her lips, while he watches and does nothing, saying she will thank him later. 

She hadn't told anyone about the dreams, or about the lost she felt when he left, or anything one is supposed to do when the love of your life leaves you. It wasn't that she didn't want to; it's just that she wasn't that type of person. She was the type of person that only told one person because they trusted them with everything from possessions, to their life. And that person for her was Severus. Now that he was gone, she had no one to tell how much her heart was breaking, no one to cry on (except her pillow), and no one to ask for help and make the pain go away. Sure Minerva and Albus have tried, but she just couldn't tell them. She guessed it was like her burdening them, even if they wanted the "burden," she couldn't tell them. 

Instead she talked aloud in her room. She talked about the family she wanted; about the house she wanted to buy on the outskirts of Hogsmead, about the way she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Severus. The thoughts were said, the tears were shed, and the Kleenex thoroughly used. Now she had no more to do about him but remember and sigh. 

Albus had tried to talk to her about the separation, but she just said "Thank you, Albus, but I'm fine; or as fine as one can be."   
  
Still, the dreams haunt her. The visions of happy moments; warm, strong arms wrapped around her; and the startling black eyes that knew her so completely.   
  
But, if she were to look up, she would see those obsidian eyes looking down upon the love he let go.   
  
  


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Ok, yeah, my story is a bit... odd, for lack of better word. I have no beta so, yuh, all mistakes are mine. PLEASE review and give me constructive criticism if any (because telling me I suck is not news, I **ADMIT **I need help, and _why are you reading it if you think I suck?_)   
  


**Thank you Gemz for reviewing, I appreciate it.  =)  
  
**/_-EbonWings-_\**


	4. AN:

Ok, I now I haven't written in a while, and I probably won't for a while either. I'm sorry, but school is being stupid. So, I'll continue and fix it later. I don't have time to go fixing my thing and I have no patience for it now. What can I say? I'm lazy. So yeah when summer starts I'll fix it. So really, I don't have time, if any, except for short stories. I don't know, they're just so easy with little hassle. =P So yeah sorry for those, if there are any other than sweetbabe and Gemz, who are reading this. Revisions or new chapters should be up by the first week of summer like around the 15th of June. So, yeah, sorry but I can't write with all the testing I have now then the studying for the next three months for finals, so yeah. 

Love to all,     **/_-EbonWings-_\**


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